HIP! HIP! JORGE!!!11!!1!1!!

HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING FOURTH OF JULY TO ALL MY READERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guest Post By MonkeyPox On Depraved Right-Wing Religious Fuckwads

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that the US lives on a razor’s edge between democracy and theocracy.  There may be atheists in foxholes, but in the Congress, you’d better at least say you believe.  This is true for private life as well.  If I tell people at work that I’m an atheist they “move away from me on the Group W bench.”  And while someone’s religious beliefs shouldn’t affect the execution of their public office…can I be frank here?…WHO ARE WE FUCKING KIDDING?  People who believe strongly that some wacko polytheistic death cult (or, for inclusiveness’ sake, monotheistic cults as well) is the answer to life, the universe, and everything are going to shove it down our throats.  That’s their history, that’s their present, that’s their future.  If they are counting on some greenfieldscandyeverydaybazillionvirgins afterlife, they’re going to feel free to fuck up the real life that is here and now.

And I’m not sure who is more dangerous, the ones who really believe it, or the ones who, deep in their “soul” know it’s bullshit and have to work extra hard to show their friends how much they love some imaginary extra-terrestrial goat-fucker.

I bring this up because the latest Republican goat-fucker to get caught fucking goats (or in this case, an Argentinian), well, it turns out he belongs to a cult-within-a-cult.  He’s a member of “The Fellowship”, which also goes by the name, “The Family” (hmmm, where have we heard that name before?) Who are these people?

Well, for one thing, they sponsor the annual Circle Jerk National Prayer Breakfast which every president must attend and address lest he be thought to be a closet Jew homosexual atheist. Apparently, the Family also owns a house in DC commonly called “C Street” which hosts faithful politicians when they wish to pray, sleep, confess, and what-not.

Lest you think that the Republicans have cornered the theocracy market, scientist Francis Collins and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton are also believed to be frequent participants in Fellowship activity.  Still, the GOP pretty much loves all that religious stuff and I’m sure they think “democrat” “believers” are either about to become Republicans or headed straight for Hell.

So why am I making such a big deal?  Author Jeff Sharlet has done extensive research and written a book which, if true (and there seems little reason to doubt it) reveals a conspiracy-theorist’s nocturnal emission.  Hey, did you think Jews secretly ruled the world?  BUZZ!  It turns out its the Fundies:

SHARLET: The goal is an “invisible” world organization led by Christ — that’s what they aspire to. They are very explicit about this if you look in their documents, and I spent a lot of time researching in their archives. Their goal is a worldwide invisible organization. That’s their word, and that’s important because it sounds so crazy.

What they mean when they say “a world organization led by Christ” is that literally you just sit there and let Christ tell you what to do. More often than not that leads them to a sort of paternalistic benign fascism. There are a lot of places that they’ve done good things, and that’s important to acknowledge. But that also means they might be involved with General Suharto in Indonesia and if that means that God leads him to kill half a million of his own citizens then, well, it would prideful to question God leading them.

The problem with these ass clowns is not their prayer meetings or their book clubs; it’s their “calling”.  These folks really believe that God is calling them to do things.  How do they know what these things are?  Obviously, a person tells them, since God isn’t saying anything.  They are, at best, a sleeper cell available for activation by anyone who they feel legitimately interprets God’s wishes.

Currently, God’s wishes almost always involve hating teh ghey (unless you’re a congressman or a minister), controlling teh wimminz and their sex-a-liciousness that lures Good Men into half-way-round-the-world affairs, and making the country, as a whole, more Jeezus-y.

Theocracy is a really bad idea.  If our leaders are going to let their private religious beliefs influence policy, they really should think about getting themselves a country that’s more explicitly Goddish and filled with slavish followers–you know, like Iran or Utah.  Then they can fuck goat’s* to their hearts’ content, and leave the rest of us alone.
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*Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Woo-FUCKING-Hoo!

Motherfucking Soccer

What the fucking fuck is that incessant loud buzzing sound filling the motherfucking stadium? It sounds like eleventeen bajillion fucktillion angry motherfucking bumble bees.

Weapons of Mass Destruction

Hmm:

Jacksonville Police say they arrested a man for having weapons of mass destruction.

On Friday officers arrested Clay Stampley from a routine traffic stop. Police say Stampley was carrying a concealed weapon which turned out to be a sawed off shotgun.

After a search of a residents police say they found another sawed off shot gun. Stampley is being held on a $25,000 bond.

A dude with a motherfucking sawed-off shotgun is being charged with possession of a weapon of mass motherfucking destruction!?!?!? What the fucking fuck are these deranged cops smoking?

Kim Kardashian Nude (UPDATED)

Who the fuck is Kim Kardashian, and why the fuck am I getting hammered with spam comments providing links to pictures of him or her nude?

UPDATE: After I published this post, the deluge of Kim Kardashian Nude comment spam ceased. Maybe the Kim Kardashian Nude spam-bots are designed to not post Kim Kardashian Nude spam comments on Web sites that appear to be their Kim Kardashian Nude competition?

Weird Fucking Dream

Last night I dreamt that I was sitting on a park bench on a beach next to former President George H.W. Bush. His left forearm was in a cast. We were chatting, and I asked him where his Secret Service protector dudes were. He suddenly stood up, threw me to the sand, pulled a sawed-off shotgun out of his cast, and shoved the barrel into my motherfucking chest. As I struggled to push the gun away, shouting, “George! George! What the fucking fuck are you doing!?!?!?”, I woke up.

Before I went to sleep last night, I ate some peanut M&Ms.

What The Fucking Fuck!?!?!?!?!?

A dude just called in to a sports radio show I am listening to to complain about the US Open golf tournament’s treatment of today’s ticket holders. For those who aren’t aware, today’s first round started, and a few players played a few holes, and then it got suspended, and finally rained out. This ticket holder claims that (1) no one told the fans after it was suspended that the round was finally called until hours later, and allowed them to spend money on beer, food, etc, thinking it could start back up, and (2) today’s ticket holders were told that their tickets are no good tomorrow, even though it is the first round that is going to be played tomorrow, and (3) NO REFUNDS.

OUTRAGE!!!!!!11!!!ELEVENTY!111!!!!!! And I am not kidding. If I were that dude, I would be fucking livid! I’m NOT that dude, and I’m fucking livid!!!!!!!!

UPDATE:Some USGA douchenozzle announced this morning that yesterday’s tickets will be valid for play on Monday, if there *is* play on Monday. This is a decent bet, unless they manage to get four rounds in over three days, or if there is a playoff (which is not sudden death like in PGA tournaments, but a full round).

BADASS!!!!!!!

Yeah, I know. Every fucking blog on Earth has embedded this Youtube. So fucking sue me.

UPDATE: PETA is completely out of their motherfucking minds:

In a nutshell, our position is this: He isn’t the Buddha, he’s a human being, and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act.

Getting A Tenure-Track Position

Candid Engineer has been musing about the Cell/Nature/Science GlamourMagz mania in her post-doctoral laboratory:

I need to remind myself that I don’t need this kind of publication to succeed. I need to remind myself about one of my labmates, who has numerous impact factor 4-5 papers from her stint as a postdoc, got 9 interviews at top-20 schools and something like 5 or 6 offers. She’s starting her TT-position at Stanford in the fall. And I guess Stanford is nothing to sneeze at.

This is true, but an important qualifier is numerous impact factor 4-5 papers. If you only have one or two, you are in a very precarious position, while a single glamour mag publication can be sufficient to get your foot in the door.

Regardless, focus on doing creative novel science, and good things will happen. What really helps when you are looking for a TT position is to have positioned yourself as a groundbreaking leader who is one of the few people with the ability to deploy a novel technology. If you have invented the technology, that’s even better.

But timing is everything. For example, there was a time when being able to work with microarrays was a hugely sellable skill. There was a time when being able to assemble and use a two-photon microscope for functional imaging of live tissue was a hugely sellable skill. Now, both of those things are routine.

Try to predict where your field is going in the next five to ten years, position yourself methodologically at the forefront. However, also be careful that you leverage off your methodological chops to make an important novel discovery in your field, or you will be dinged as a technically outstanding, but without the ability to identify and tackle an important biological question.