Bobo Is A Lying Shitheel

January 25, 2008

Oh, fuck, Bobo has a doozy in today’s New York Times (you know: that left-wing propaganda organ for the extremist liberal Democrats). Could this asshole be any more transparent about his water-carrying for the “I’ve got mine; go fuck yourself”-wing of the Republican Party? Anyway, I have created this handy translation guide to some of Bobo’s bon mots in today’s column about the economy:

The Greed Narrative goes something like this: The financial markets are dominated by absurdly overpaid zillionaires. They invent complex financial instruments, like globally securitized subprime mortgages that few really understand. They dump these things onto the unsuspecting, sending destabilizing waves of money sloshing around the globe. Economies melt down. Regular people lose jobs and savings. Meanwhile, the financial insiders still get their obscene bonuses, rain or shine.

“Narrative”!? How about the undeniable plain-as-the-fucking-nose-on-your-face self-evident truth? Has he not familiarized himself with the record bonuses his pals on Wall Street awarded themselves in 2007, despite the gigundis fuckload of losses their outstanding decision-making imposed on their stockholders and investors?

The Ecology Narrative is different. It starts with the premise that investors and borrowers cooperate and compete in a complex ecosystem. Everyone seeks wealth while minimizing risk. As Jim Manzi, a software entrepreneur who specializes in applied artificial intelligence, has noted, the chief tension in this ecosystem is between innovation and uncertainty. We could live in a safer world, but we’d have to forswear creativity.

Yeah, fine: economies are complex, unstable homeostatic systems involving a relationship between risk and reward. Tell us something we don’t already fucking know, assface.

Financial instruments like adjustable-rate and subprime mortgages have allowed millions of people to get homes they could not otherwise purchase, and research shows that most of these tools have been used intelligently.

“[R]esearch” == some delusional feces-log that floated to the top of the deranged and sinister cesspool inside Bobo’s skull while he waited in line at Starbucks for a Skinny Frappafuckinchino. “[i]ntelligently” == leading to the highest rate of home foreclosures in many years, up 35% in December 2007 over December 2005, triggering a broad global financial meltdown, and throwing us into a recession (maybe even a fucking depression?). Yeah, that’s really goddamn intelligent, shitcarburetor.

Hedge funds have proliferated to help investors manage risk. These things exist precisely because investors want to smooth out volatility.

“[S]mooth out volatility” == try to identify (or generate) the riskiest shit out there, with the hope of big fucking payouts. Hedge funds want to smooth out volatility like high-stakes gamblers want to sit at a $10 blackjack table with Basic Strategy cards they bought at McCarren Airport on their way to the Strip. Who does scuzjockey think he’s kidding with arrant nonsense like this?

The lesson of the Ecology Narrative is that, in most cases, the market corrects itself. Maybe this year banks will change their pay structure so there’s not so much emphasis on short-term results. Maybe companies will change their boards to improve scrutiny over complex new instruments. In short, markets adapt.

Bobo left out a clause in that last sentence. Let me correct it for him:

In short, markets adapt to a legal, regulatory, and fiscal environment that rewards extreme risk-taking by big financial insitutions, promotes moral hazard, and funnels money out of the pockets of ordinary citizens and into the pockets of the corporate oligarchs and their ultra-rich associates.

Furiously stroking, Bobo finally gets closer to climax…

The Ecology Narrative is not morally satisfying. I wouldn’t bet on its popularity as a backlash against Wall Street and finance sweeps across a recession-haunted country.

Wow! What a bold fucking prediction! Who would ever suspect that the hundreds-of-millions of serfs might not feel too kindly towards another it’s-the-wisdom-of-the-free-market just-relax-and-it-won’t-hurt explanation for another punch in the motherfucking face by the lords of the neo-feudal manor.

Oh, yes, yes, yessss! AAAHHHHHHH! Bobo splooges right in the expectant, yet horrified, face of reality:

But the Ecology Narrative has one thing going for it. It happens to be true.

“[T]rue” == favorable to the continued dominance of the neo-feudal economic and political ideology of the corporate oligarchs whose dicks I suck so that I can keep my cushy job at the NY Times and get invited to nice cocktail parties with lots of chardonnay and beautiful cocktail weenies with a crispy, yet tender and flaky, pastry shell and juicy mini-frankfurter inside that shoots a warm little squirt of rendered cow sphincter ani juice in my mouth when I bite down.

h/t Sadly, No!


3 Responses to “Bobo Is A Lying Shitheel”

  1. Coturnix Says:

    You, sir, have a way with words.

  2. Fats Durston Says:

    I didn’t realize the Rude Pundit had another site!

  3. Uncle Glenny Says:

    He reads Bobo there, so I don’t have to read him anywhere.

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