News Flash! Democrats Are Nerdy Geeks And Republicans Are Manly Jocks

May 24, 2008

I am loath to comment on or link to the New York Times, which has sold its soul to the worst of the worst sick-fuck neo-feudal imperialist elements of the corporate oligarchy. However, in looking for something sufficiently enraging to muster up a blog post, I stumbled upon David “Bobo” Brooks’s latest puddle of projectile vomit, and figured “FUCK IT!”

Hard though it may be to believe for those that are still laboring under the delusion that the New York Times operates under any journalistic and editorial standards whatsoever, Brooks’s Friday column is all about the staggeringly novel brand-fucking-new never-before-imagined deep insight that Democrats like Barack Obama are nerdy geeks and Republicans like George Bush are manly jocks. If you have the stomach for it, exegesis (i.e. picking through the vomit for indentifiable chunks of food) can be found below the fold.

The word [nerd] described a high-school or college outcast who was persecuted by the jocks, preps, frat boys and sorority sisters.

Holy shit! No fucking wai! Really!? I totally didn’t know that! This is going to come as a major revelation to many of the readers of the New York Times, who, like me, totally had no idea what the word nerd meant.

The future historians of the nerd ascendancy will likely note that the great empowerment phase began in the 1980s with the rise of Microsoft and the digital economy. Nerds began making large amounts of money and acquired economic credibility, the seedbed of social prestige. The information revolution produced a parade of highly confident nerd moguls — Bill Gates and Paul Allen, Larry Page and Sergey Brin and so on.

Whoah! You mean some nerds were, like, smart and shit, and actually made a bunch of money and shit!?!? Holy fuck! Who knew!?

A nerd was still socially tainted, but geekdom acquired its own cool counterculture. A geek possessed a certain passion for specialized knowledge, but also a high degree of cultural awareness and poise that a nerd lacked.

Wow! This is some seriously fascinating shit! There are, like, different kinds of wimpy-ass wimps, who are totally not like manly jocks, but in different ways? Geeks and nerds are different species of wimp-ass countercultural non-manly-jockaloon wimpasauruses!

If Holden Caulfield was the sensitive loner from the age of nerd oppression, then Harry Potter was the magical leader in the age of geek empowerment.

Wow! That is, like, so totally true! Wealthy wimp-ass non-manly-jockaloon wimpaloons no longer are just like nerd-ass Holden Caulfield, and are now totally like geek-ass Harry Potter!

The jock can shine on the football field, but the geeks can display their supple sensibilities and well-modulated emotions on their Facebook pages, blogs, text messages and Twitter feeds. Now there are armies of designers, researchers, media mavens and other cultural producers with a talent for whimsical self-mockery, arcane social references and late-night analysis.

Fuck yeah!! Jocks shine on the football field! Geeks display supple sensibilities and well-modulated emotions!! Those fucking smart-ass wimp-ass wimpadoodle geekanerdaloon whimsical maven arcane mockeroons! And they stay up late at night and engage in…analysis!

There are armies of wimpazonker non-manly researchers and designers and cultural producers that are totally not-manly not-jocky not-footbally and they are coming to get us! AAAAHHHAHAHAHHA! ZOMFG!

They’ve created a new definition of what it means to be cool, a definition that leaves out the talents of the jocks, the M.B.A.-types and the less educated.

These wimp-ass motherfucking nerdaloon geekadoodle researcher designer arcane maven motherfuckers hate the manly footbally jocketyjocky football field jocks, MBA-types, and they want to LEAVE THEM OUT!!!11!! AHAHAAAAHAHAH!!

There are now millions of educated-class types guided by geek manners and status rules.

Those fucking educated-class type arcane effete geeky-ass wimpaloon bastards! They are so lame, trying to act like they are cool, when it’s really the manly-man-man-men football jockaloon MBA football field less-educated manly field football jock jockety-jock manly football field men who are really teh cool!

Barack Obama has become the Prince Caspian of the iPhone hordes.

Barack Obama is the leader of the hordes of wimp-ass wimpaloon geekanerdadoodle non-manly non-footballfieldy non-jockajockajockety effete researcher designer arcane cultural whimsically self-mocking blog-writing cultural producers who stay up late at night to engage in wimpawimpy analysis and to LEAVE OUT the manly MBA footballfieldy manlymanlymanly men and to STEAL TEH COOL!!11!!11! Barack Obama is exactly like a combination of Holden Caulfield and Harry Potter!!!11!!!TWELVETY!!111!!


13 Responses to “News Flash! Democrats Are Nerdy Geeks And Republicans Are Manly Jocks”

  1. rehctaw Says:

    Jocks of what? This requires suspension of disbelief beyond mortal capabilities.
    Side by side by side. Fucker Carlson, Bobo and Tom DeLay unleash the Governator as proof positive of this blowhole thesis? He of roid rage, goofy grope and

    On the sidelines, The Shrub leads a cheering thong?
    While Larry Craig takes a wide stance? Newt’s selling tunnel passes, McForgetful gets massage with happy finish from Holey Joe…

    Petty little fucks. Frist against the wall come the revolution!

    Despite the peace sign, I am NOT a pacifist.

  2. Dude, I hope that this is how you let off steam from grant-writing, and not a specimen thereof.

    That said, wimpazonker made my day.

    Brooks is a full-of-himself stuffed shirt (srsly, what is with the pink buttondown?) but at least he among the Pubes is aware that the Pubes are losing. See also this week’s New Yorker, where he’s quoted at length on the wasteland his party has become.

    The NYT is a bag of self-loathing corporate liberalism, and yet I love it anyhow. Because, what are my options?

  3. Exegesis. Superb!

    What is Brooks actually doing here? Spending a column width of disdain telling us how being smart leads to success in business makes the precise counterargument for me, if indeed he is actually making some sort of argument.

    But when he starts dissing Tina Fey – that’s where my gloves come off.

    Sasha Issenberg took Brooks apart in PhillyMag last year. All I can tell is that he is a lazy blatherer.

    And a brachyphallic chiromaniac, if you will.

  4. mona Says:

    When did Holden Caulfield become a nerd?

    The category didn’t exist when it was written, of course, but when I read Catcher in the Rye last year, Holden just came across as emo. Either way, it seems hard to classify a grave concern for maintaining other people’s childhood innocence (like when Holden goes around erasing obscene graffiti) as either geeky or nerdy.

  5. George Smiley Says:

    Please, Mr. Brooks. Please walk down to the Port of New York and find a bar full of longshoremen, and – please – explain your theory to them.

  6. Interrobang Says:

    Don’t tell Bobo, but it’s also true that geeks get chicks, too.

    Speaking as a geeky chick, which would I rather date: A macho-ass football player who spends four fucking hours a day in the gym and probably has a peanut-sized steroid dick, and unmodulated emotions (which means he could easily turn me into four pounds of raw hamburger if I mentioned the peanut-sized steroid dick and the excessive gym time), or a smart, sweet, intellectual, successful geek who preferably isn’t hung up on frickin’ conventional performances of masculinity and might even — gasp! — be a feminist, and whom, if the going gets really rough, I can pick up and throw to the curb. Gosh. Tough fuckin’ choice.

    You’d think these troglodytes would catch on to the fact that they tend to get disgustingly sloppy man-crushes on men who in no wise would see them as equals, and, as thousands of years of cultural misogyny demonstrates, that way lies disaster. Hint: They won’t see you as an equal, Mister Brooks, and that just makes you an object of contempt. Enjoy being shat on by your crush-interests. Seriously. And maybe seek professional help now.

  7. OMG you need a photo. HMMMMMMMM.

    Because life is like high school, only with more money.

    The NYT really is “the worst of the worst sick-fuck neo-feudal imperialist elements of the corporate oligarchy.” Yup, that’s why I won’t sully my paws with their newsprint.

  8. Oldfart Says:

    “thousands of years of cultural misogyny demonstrates…”
    LOL – I love the way feminists try to reframe male dominant cultures as mysogynist. Similar to left wing attempts to reframe illegal immigration as “undocumented” ….. Perception is all …. except for we iconoclasts.

  9. PhysioProf Says:

    Perception is all …. except for we iconoclasts.

    Yeah, you sick-fuck demented right-wing wackaloon douchecornet shitbags sure are iconoclasts who see through “framing” and perceive the true nature of objective reality. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

  10. Cat Says:


    You are a brave man; I cannot read Brooks without wanting to hurt him very very badly.

    Great post!

  11. bayman Says:

    You’re missing the saddest part of the whole story – that this grown adult actually believes that stereotypical caricatures invented by comedy sketch artists, adverisement producers and grade 2 schoolchildren are a realistic portrayal of the human population.

    When I was a kid, I excelled in sports and I read a ton of books. OMFG!!!!!!! Go figure!

  12. bikemonkey Says:

    stereotypical caricatures invented by comedy sketch artists, adverisement producers and grade 2 schoolchildren

    Y’all from Canadia may not have suffered the 70s afterschool special and the 80s brat-pack movies but I lay the blame there….

    One of my college buds observed in considering these stereotypes “I don’t know where these guys went to school but…it was never cool to be stupid”.

  13. Catalonian Says:

    Somehow i missed the point. Probably lost in translation 🙂 Anyway … nice blog to visit.

    cheers, Catalonian.

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